Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in cici03's LiveJournal:

Friday, October 7th, 2005
11:30 pm	Hey, Well, I have not posted in forever because I am horribly dissapointed in myself and I know you girls have always been so supportive and I feel guilt to take all that in when I really feel like I don't deserve it right now. Is it super hard for all of you to be this way? I have been randomly bingeing and it is because I am always thinking about food. Counting calories constantly, coming up with no food plans, getting out of situations, planning how to keep busy to forget food and everything and I hate it. I have lost a lot of weight and ana has been really great for that, but I am not there yet and it is seriously killing me. Don't you just miss the days when time just flies by and food means nothing. I try to harness those feelings and times when things feel stagnant and useless, but I am really sonsumed with food. Not eating is such powerful control, and whe I lose that I just want to die. I know that I am not alone with these feelings, but my real life friends do not understand. I try so hard to see people and be positive, but everyone just seems to care too much about themselves and are really ignoring me. Sorry for being a downer girls, I just am really feeling down because of food. I will fast for as long as I can and that should help me forget food. I am just so tired of all this planning. Anyway, how is everyone? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 22nd, 2005
8:58 pm	Hey Girlies, I too have been stuck on the pro anorexia site and really am loving how you guys are already feelings like friends. So, my stata are as follows... 5"11 and (gasp) 177. I am looking quite thinner though, with my collar and hip bones showing. Having recently lost 40 pounds after giving up food , I feel pretty good. I know, though, that I have a lot more to go. The issue I have always had is that everyone one, except my family, has always referred to me as being large and this always has equated in my mind as "fat". I feel beautiful, but I am determined to be able to lose at least another 45 pounds to get where I want to go. I will model, and not stupid chocolate bar is going to stop me. Are there any tall people here with the same experience? Being the one in the front seat, at the back of the school picture and at the end of the line in dance class has really made me hate the big/tall label. I will not be that. Ana has helped and I will fast next week in a more long term way, ie: at least 72 hours. Being tall has made me feel large this will change. Any advice? Take care and keep thinking and feeling as light as air. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
9:21 pm	Hey, I have read all your amazing post for so long now, and now I actually have the guts to discuss the secrets taht I have been trying to hide from everyone. I have an eating disorder, and I like it. Is that strange? I always wanted to be able to control myself and actually have that manifest itself physically and it feels amazing. People do not understand when you decide not to eat something, or want ot go to the gym everyday, but I do not expect them to. The problem with everyone who does not live with ana is that the satisfaction from self control and thinness is truly powerful. I restrict extremely and exercise at least once a day. My next step is a full on fast for something like 3 days, and then maybe for 100 hours. My question to anyone who knows anything about this is, doeas a fast make you more clear mentally, or just fuzzy? I have a job that requires me to have a decent attention span. What do you all think? Good luck with your fasts. Current Music: the theme to Big Brother 6 (Comment on this)